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Love & Sex Q&A: Will Love Come?

Dear Love & Sex Q&A,

Q

I’ve been dating a guy for the last six/seven months, he’s a really nice guy and all my friends and family like him.  My last partner was dreadful to me, but I loved him and stayed with him for years, putting up with his bullying ways, repeatedly cheating on me, along with his alcohol and drug issues.  I eventually broke up with him and had been single for a couple of years, until I met my current boyfriend.  I quite liked being single and doing my own thing when I wanted.

I don’t not like my boyfriend, I care about him but I don’t love him.  He treats me with respect, love and attention, he’s thoughtful, kind and has asked me if I’d like to move in together.  My friends and family all think it’s a wonderful idea, however I don’t love him, I like him and enjoy his company, there’s nothing I don’t like, but I don’t feel ready to move in with him, I’m not sure I ever will be.

My question is, do I move in with him and see how things go? will love come eventually?

Wayne C

A Wayne

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.   Some relationships function very well living apart, and you may well feel differently a little down the line. However if you are not ready then don’t move in with him.   Just because all your friends and family think it’s a good idea doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you to do.  Their opinion is important of course (it’s always good to have outside, objective views of your relationship), but it won’t be them living with him, it’ll be you.

What I would suggest is see how things go for a few more months. You and your family have probably explained what happened with your ex, so your boyfriend will understand you wanting to wait a little.

You touch on the subject of love. If you are not feeling those feelings then it is better to wait or to re-evaluate the relationship.  The good thing to ask yourself is, can you live without him as your boyfriend?  If you think you could find someone with a better chemistry, who fits your life better, then it may be worthwhile drawing a line under what you have, and calling it done. It would be wrong to string him along.  Conversely if you just don’t feel ready, then give yourself more time to adjust and get comfortable. After an abusive relationship it is sometimes a longer process to be able to fully trust and allow yourself to fall for a new partner.  

At some point, you’ll have to make the decision. But in the meantime, it may be best to give it some time to develop naturally, as well as enough time for you to know for certain what you’re feeling and what you want. Just take one step at a time.

 

If you have a relationship or dating question contact us by emailing hello@GayDatingExpert.co.uk

Jonathan WelfordJONATHAN WELFORD heads up GayDatingExpert.com, a relationship and dating coaching practice. He was awarded the accolade of being one of the top 10 Gay Relationship Bloggers for 2013. He writes gay agony uncle columns for numerous publications in both the UK and USA, and is also a regular columnist for DatingAdvice.com. He lives with his Scottish husband in Manchester, UK.

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One comment

  1. If I were a professional advisor, before I’d express a perspective on your boyfriend’s invitation, I’d like to know what that invitation means. Roommates who share an apartment on a mutually appreciated basis as trustworthy friends or handy live-in sexual partners? Two different species of relationships. I’d also like to know what you’ve done to work on recovering from the abusive relationship you submitted to for years. Did you just sit it out expecting that you’ve nothing to learn from that relationship or did you seek counsel/education, do your homework and learn all you could learn? If you’ve remained too prideful (flipside of shameful) to admit that you need help and obtain it adequately, then you’re not ready to participate in a healthier relationship. You’ll bring into the next relationship the same issues that you brought into the last one. If you’ve not yet examined the effects of your upbringing on how you pick your intimate partners, now is a good time to do so, before the next intimate partnership turns sour. Pride and shame are the ego’s criteria for finding someone appealing. Ego knows nothing of love as God defines love. We all need the emotional support of a circle of trustworthy friends who are connected within to their own hearts in humility and honesty as nurtured through their relationship with God and then connected with each other heart to heart on the basis of uttermost integrity. If we don’t have such a circle (at least one person who is not having sex with us), then we are prone to lean too heavily on “The One” we think will rescue us from loneliness for life. We make a god out of that person and no one can serve us in that capacity for long before proving to be inadequate to the task. To share love with another human being is indeed divine, but it requires first that both you and the other know how to access love from the Divine Source of Love. By any name, the Source of Love cannot be ignored if intimacy is to succeed for eternity.

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