Q Dear Gay Uncle,
My partner passed away last November. I thought he just had a simple pension which died with him. It turns out he left me a substantial amount of stocks and shares along with a large house.
We lived very modestly, not short of money, but careful with it. We lived together in the house I’d bought years ago.
The fifteen years together were fabulous and full of love. We talked of travelling the world together if money was no problem. It now appears we could have done that dozens of times. I’m very grateful and thankful for this legacy he’s given me, but also there’s an anger bubbling away too at the life we could have had. How can I move on from this anger and make it go away?
Travis E
A Travis,
So sorry for your loss. Losing a partner and loved one is a mixed bag of emotions. This is natural. Your letter is full of love for your partner, so try to stay focused on that love. Money does have a habit of sullying a relationship if it’s made to be the big be all and end all.
He obviously had his reasons for secretly banking all that money. You may never know what they are, but I doubt those reasons were malicious.
My suggestion is to book an around-the-world tour, and in each place write a gratitude journal. Remind yourself of the good times you shared, and record observations of what’s happening on your travels and how your partner would have seen things. It’s not the same as having him with you, but it may help you get some closure on this in a positive way — and it may help you begin to get on with your life without him.
My Parents are Jerks to My Son
Q Dear Gay Uncle,
My 14 year old son has come out as gay. I think I’ve always known. Ever since he started school I had thought he was. I’ve always kept an open mind and let him find his own way. There’s just the two of us — his mother passed away quite quickly after being diagnosed with cancer when he was a mere babe in arms.
I have been supportive and joined a parents of LGBTQ children. I spoke with one of the counselors there and have worked with them and his school. My son seems to be thriving, and I am so grateful and blessed that I’ve bought up such a wonderful confident young man. His grandparents, my parents, however, have been sanctimonious and overbearing. They’ve been a huge support up until he’s come out, and now they won’t even tolerate being in the same room with him.
My mother tried to involve the church pastor, thinking he would be able to perform some sort of conversion therapy. The pastor came around to the house to have a discussion with us. He was very supportive of my son and was trying to defuse the stand off my mother is creating.
What can I do to make things right and not cause more anxiety for my son.
Name withheld
A The focus is your son. You are being a great father, you are building up a good infrastructure around yourself and your son. If your parents are being a pain in the ass, try to minimize your son’s exposure to them, and let them implode on their own bigotry. Some people take longer to come around than others, but that is their journey to make, not yours. And you son shouldn’t have to pay the price for their immaturity.
Keep doing what you are doing. A big thumbs up from this Gay Uncle!
Bereaved Mother Wants to Steal the Show
Q Dear Gay Uncle,
My partner passed away last month, he’d fought a tough battle with a debilitating illness. His mother visited just once in the last two years. When his illness was toward the end, his mother refused to come as she had a holiday to Florida booked.
She’s now acting like an attention grabbing cow on Facebook. Saying she’s devastated and hopes her son is in God’s arms. I called her out on it on her post giving her two barrels, screenshotting her text that she said she wasn’t cancelling her holiday to see her dying son. It felt good calling her out. It’s had the desired response, the post was shared many times before she deleted it.
She’s now been acting the victim again, demanding to organise the funeral. I even got a half arsed letter threatening legal action.
My partner expressed wishes not to have a funeral, but to have an Easter Brunch where friends could come and have fun, and remember the good times. His Easter brunches were legendary. His Mother knew this, but wants a big funeral with her at front and centre.
I spoke to her on Friday and she was demanding money to pay for it, I re-confirmed my partner’s wishes but she’s trying to disregard them. It’s all in the will. His body has been cremated already, as per his wishes. I kept this from her. I don’t know why, but now I don’t know how to tell her. I could invite her to the Easter Brunch, everyone to be invited has a gift and a letter from my partner. My partner left things open to me whether to invite his mother or not (they’d had a fractured relationship most of his life). His mother has a letter and my partner’s journals from when he was young, about the horrific way his family treated him when he came out as gay.
Friends have said to invite her to the Brunch and give her the gifts there, as they’ll support me, but I’m sure she’ll create a big attention grabbing black hole and invite extra extended family that aren’t invited.
What should I do?
G R
A G,
I really feel for your loss, you must be going through hell at this moment.
We all experience grief in different ways. A certain amount of grace should be allowed. However, his mum sounds dreadful. I don’t know if she’s local to you or not, but either way I’d suggest going with your gut reaction, and not inviting her.
Send a letter, explaining that your partner has had his wishes carried out, as per his will. So there is to be no funeral. Send a copy of the will to back it up. Also say you have a letter and a gift your partner wanted her to have, that will be sent to her at Easter. Don’t invite her. This should be a time to celebrate your partner’s life, not have a Jerry Springer show down.
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