Dear Gay Uncle: My Boyfriend isn’t Interested in Sex.

Q Dear Gay Uncle,

For the last 8 weeks I’ve been dating a wonderful man, he’s kind, considerate and seems very long term material. However, he’s absolutely horrific in the bedroom. There’s no passion or fun, he rarely takes his clothes off, he has a catalogue of things he won’t do. Pretty much all he’ll do is kiss (only on the lips) and allow me to give him a hand job. He doesn’t like to give or receive oral and is very frigid. Outside the bedroom he’s fantastic boyfriend material. He’s adamant he won’t change, he’s said he’s not very sexual. He did say if I wanted sex elsewhere he’d be cool with that. That isn’t for me.

Is there any way of getting him to be more sexual?

Pete H


A Pete,

There are a range of things you can try.

  1. Reduce the number of attempts to get physical yourself. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. If you’re wanting sex five times a week, try once a fortnight for a month.
  2. Try to find his turn on, what makes him feel frisky?
  3. Do more physical exercise together and complement him on his physicality and physique. This will build up his confidence about himself.
  4. Don’t always make yourself available for sex. I know this is challenging if you are a very sexual person; however, if you are constantly up for it and he engages this when he feels physical, then he’s getting everything on his terms. If you say no once in a while he may feel he needs to put more effort in.

Give yourself a couple of months before deciding to cut loose from the relationship. A relationship needs to work emotionally, intellectually and physically to be successful.

Q Dear Gay Uncle,

When we go out with friends my boyfriend, who smokes, is always leaving the bar or restaurant to have a cigarette. A mutual friend, who also smokes goes with him.

Other friends have commented that the mutual friend is making a play for my boyfriend. It’s really unsettled me, I’ve known this friend for a while and introduced him to other friends and we’ve all been socialising together for some time.

I’ve seen them cozying up together in doorways, but it has been cold and wet outside.

My partner has been very secretive with his phone recently and won’t discuss it.

What should I do?

Rubin G


A Rubin,

If your boyfriend won’t speak about it, ask the friend. It may well be something innocent, or something more.

If your partner can be so easily played for, you have to think how strong your relationship with him is. There are temptations everywhere in life; however, only weak relationships break down. You have to assess how strong your relationship is and if you want to stabilise it.

It takes two people to be unfaithful, not just one.

Q Dear Gay Uncle,

This last year has been unbearable. I lost my job, relationship and home. I’ve relocated and tried to restart my life. Nothing seems to be working. I’ve found a job that pays the bills, but it’s just a job, I turn up and do what’s needed and go. My love life is just a string of hook ups which fills the need, but is unsatisfying, and my home life is a shared house in a rough part of town.

I’m in my mid 30s and this is not how I imagined my life would be. I can’t see anyway out of my situation and can’t see the point of anything.

Friends say things will get better, but I can’t see what my future will be. I don’t want things to stay as they are. What should I do?

Dennis F


A Dennis,

Start with little positive changes. Nothing happens overnight. Perhaps start with home life, find a home, within budget, that fulfils the feeling of being somewhere you enjoy to be. Getting a space where you can relax and enjoy down time is the best way to start a life reboot. Then focus on your career and finally love life.

It’s a challenge when so much has happened, especially within such a short time frame. So, with small steps you can begin to make a positive change. It does take time to reboot your life. You sound as though you’ve made big changes very quickly. It’s now all about fine tuning them.

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