Q Dear Gay Uncle,
I’ve discovered my partner has had an affair. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years. The affair was in the first year of our relationship. At the funeral of one of our friends, the surviving partner confided in me that his husband and my partner had been together. I worked out the dates and it was in the summer after we started going out together. I knew they’d had a romance in the past, but as he’d been a friend during the entirety of our relationship, I thought it had ended before we got together.
We’ve always said we hold a monogomous relationship as a core foundation stone of our relationship. I thought I could sweep things away, as it was such a long time ago. However, it’s now making me question all the times when my partner has worked late and couldn’t make social events due to being busy with other projects.
I’m getting so stressed over things, I’m not sleeping and being very snappy with him. I’m over fifty and can’t even contemplate the thought of being single and starting over again.
What should I do?
You really do need to speak to your partner. Relationships need solid communication to keep the relationship healthy.
If you’ve got the dates right and he has had an affair, you need to discuss this. He may well have ended things with this guy to invest in the relationship you have with him.
As you’ve both discussed monogamy being vital for your relationship, discuss your anxieties surrounding your worries about him having an affair. Your fears could well be unfounded.
If it does have a negative outcome, then it would be worth while going to couple’s therapy to discuss the relationship in a safe and controlled environment. However, take one step at a time. Once you start discussing the problem, I promise the anxiety of it will start to reduce.
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JONATHAN WELFORD heads up GayAgonyUncle.com, a relationship and dating coaching practice. Writer and author, sometimes TV presenter, Jonathan is a trained Life Coach specializing in dating & relationships. He lives with his Scottish husband in Manchester, UK.