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New Hope – Ex-Gay Survivor

New Hope

Conversations With an Evangelical: “God did not make you that way!”

Posted by on Dec 15, 2015 in Hot Topics, New Hope | 4 comments

Conversations With an Evangelical: “God did not make you that way!”

Two years ago she and I got into a discussion, and after a while of mutual discomfort, she threw her hand in my face, and declared emphatically: “If you don’t know Jesus then I have nothing to say to you!” The words were spit out of her mouth with such condemnation, and before I had a chance to respond, she turned her back to me and stormed away. That moment in time lingers with me still, and I probably should just let it go … but I can’t. Who is this Jesus that I don’t know? Why is it that she claims that right to know him, and yet I,...

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Cross-Country. Sparks of Hope Along the Dark Journey

Posted by on May 7, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

Cross-Country. Sparks of Hope Along the Dark Journey

In this chapter, L.T. Miller picks up where he left off in “Dark Night,” describing his break with reality and the process of stepping back into the light with the help of his friends. The two weeks on the road passed slowly, and despite the pain, I look back almost eight years later and remember more good than bad. All along the way I had people on the sidelines, cheering me on, rooting for me, and showering me with their unconditional love and support. Samantha and I arrived in Palm Springs well after the sun had set. The minute...

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Dark Night

Posted by on Apr 22, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

Dark Night

L.T. Miller shares another scene in the continuing story about his life — first in, and then after coming out of an ex-gay ministry. I’ll never forget March 6, 2007 as long as I live. Carolina blue skies reached out to the far shores of California where I was living, and the air was sweet, filled with the soft fragrance of jasmine and flowering plum trees. Doves serenaded me as the sun began to set over the golden hills, and as I sat out in my garden, bathing in the lingering warmth of an amazingly beautiful evening, I felt stirring...

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Daniel & Jessica, the Straight Friends

Posted by on Mar 26, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

Daniel & Jessica, the Straight Friends

I received a call from Daniel a few weeks ago. “Okay if Jess and I stop by for a bit on our way to Huntersville? Between 2:45 and 3:00? That okay?” “Would love it! Can’t wait to see your beautiful wife. I miss her. Been too long. Hope you guys aren’t in a huge rush to leave. Hang out as long as you want.” “I’ll give you eight minutes. I gotta watch my game later!” “Bitch! You better give me more time than that. I need me some Jessica time. Your wife is absolutely gorgeous by the way – stunningly beautiful, and you better be glad...

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My Straight Boyfriend

Posted by on Mar 4, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

My Straight Boyfriend

I think I was about six when it dawned on me that there was something different about me. The epiphany occurred one Saturday morning when my mom and I went to a local hardware store to pick up some garden supplies. Once he caught sight of us, the clerk behind the counter remarked, “What a beautiful little girl! What’s your name sweetie?” I was mortified. From that day forward, I vowed that I would try harder to act like a little boy, and it became a constant battle to control my wild, flamboyant nature. I became obsessed with the way I walked...

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How ‘Bout Those 49ers?

Posted by on Feb 12, 2015 in New Hope | 0 comments

How ‘Bout Those 49ers?

I am so grateful for my friendship with Chris. I am blessed that he has been a constant force in my life for almost twenty years; and although we live on opposite coasts now, our friendship transcends the thousands of miles that separate us. He telephoned me one evening shortly after Sergio and I moved to North Carolina in October of 2011. “How ya’ll doin? So are you officially a gay redneck now?” “I reckon so.” He laughed heartily. “See, yer even startin’ to use words like ‘reckon.’” “Daggumbit! I reckon I am. No since’in hidin’ it. Guessin’...

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Chris

Posted by on Feb 3, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

Chris

I recently came across a letter Chris penned to me during our first few months in the New Hope Program. I will forever treasure the yellowed piece of paper with his handwritten words. Dear L.T., Water takes on many different forms. It rains down on a dry and starving land. It cleanses the wounds of those beaten, scraped, and wounded. In the form of water – I see you, an ever changing presence in life. Just as water is essential to mankind, you too are essential to God. L.T., I see in you a desire to sustain those in need. I see sympathy for...

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A Father’s Love

Posted by on Jan 27, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

A Father’s Love

It’s been almost twenty years since New Hope’s family weekend, and there’s so much I don’t remember. I’ve pored through my journals and surprisingly I wasn’t writing much during that time. By that point, I think I had completely shut down and retreated more and more into my shell. All I know with any certainty is that my soul had plummeted into one of the worst depressions I had ever known, and I was constantly begging God to lift me from the depths of despair. My beloved roommate, Liam, had returned to Singapore, and Jason and I had...

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The Visit

Posted by on Jan 19, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

The Visit

I couldn’t believe that I had actually been granted permission to go and pick up Dad without a chaperon. Driving alone in San Francisco for the first time since joining the New Hope program was exhilarating. Treks into the city without a member of leadership present had been explicitly forbidden. And now here I was, enjoying a sense of freedom I hadn’t experienced in months.  I glanced at my watch and quickly calculated how much time I had before I needed to be at the airport. I had about an hour and a half before Dad’s plane...

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Dear Dad…

Posted by on Jan 12, 2015 in Get Real, New Hope | 0 comments

Dear Dad…

There were many sleepless nights during my time in the New Hope Program. I would often escape into the prayer room after the others went to bed and relish the solitude.  The décor of the room amused me.  As I sat there alone one restless evening – surrounded by an eclectic hodgepodge of plaid sofas, tacky lamps with yellowed lampshades, and ugly artwork that hung haphazardly from dingy walls – the pervasive musty odor that lingered in the room made me nostalgic. The familiarity of the pungent scent reminded me of a used bookstore I often...

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