i open my eyes on the floor of the room
the weight of his body crushing through my ribs
BOOM BOOM BOOM he fell
the thud on the floor as he crushed through my chest.
One two three breath breath
his mouth filling my lungs
his breath sour with sweat…
BOOM BOOM BOOM i screamed let me go !!!
Once again … the third time … i awoke
from my pain hoping to be gone
surely this syringe would be the one.
One week later at 60 mph the truck parked on the road
this would be it
i turned and crashed…
On the road i stood with merely a scratch on my knee
the patrolman said oh my god how did you get free?
My arms have been broken,
my leg fractured, cheek bones crushed, nose broken,
i have cut my flesh and the scars they still show…
This body i cannot shed what’s wrong
i cannot be me.
Twice i have awoken in the hospital
bright light naked and chained to the bed
the tubes they ran into my mouth and my body
naked i was chained to the bed
bright lights, sterile room
but LOOK MY TOES THEY ARE RED !!!
The nurse she laughed
honey did you have fun we have someone to see you
the officers they did smile
come on sugar let’s go their poison did drip
they unchained my hands and laughed
yes my toes are still RED !!
The alley behind the hotel
my life was just dead
the men lined up
i waited they poked they prodded they groped and laughed
$20.00 please is all i could say
i have given up
this is it my lot i will never be me.
They have medicated me
cast me on the floor casting out demons
COME OUT JEZEBEL COME OUT !!
Locked in rooms padded and bright
nothing was going to change
this was not coming out.
My profile picture was the last night my face and nose broken
raped and bleeding i wondered the street
i had no where to go no hope i was lost.
i ended up at the salvation army
once again to change
stripped of my pink sneakers and jeans
they shaved my head and dressed me for war
i was now in god’s army
surely this would stop.
The major then comes to me and places me
in my new department
out of 60 men and woman they chose me to takeover
WOMAN’S LINGERIE, BRAS, FORMAL DRESSES….
NO THIS CAN’T BE !! GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ??
In a still small voice with clarity i did hear
just be you be free and you will discover the way.
At that moment I gave in
I GIVE UP I CANNOT FIGHT !!
I am a girl
this cannot be changed, ignored or suppressed.
At that moment I quit fighting
that was two years ago since that time
the destructive nature of dysphoria has eased
and my life is moving forward I am free
from drugs and the addictive behaviors that have tortured me.
This community has rallied around me
people like Sara, Jenny, Dean and Neill, and my family at Expressions Community Center.
For the first time in my life I feel okay
I am whole and just perfect in all of my flaws
and I am loved.
I AM TRANSGENDER – YOU CAN KILL ME, TORTURE ME, RIDICULE ME
BUT YOU CANNOT CHANGE ME !!
I AM CARIE LYNN JORDAN.
Carie writes from Oklahoma City, OK.